January 14, 2009

Hey, Asshole, so yeah, the truck is still here.  I still can’t bear to part with it.  Not yet. 

I dreamed about her last night.  I mean I dream about her all the time, but last night she talked to me.  I’m glad you stopped sounding like David, but now you’re starting to sound like Jen, and I don’t know if I can call you ‘Asshole’ if you’re her, so cut the shit.

In my dream, we were at the show in Central Park.  She hadn’t gotten hurt in Boston, and she had let me put her and her friends up at the stage inside the barrier.  That was a first for Jen. One thing about her – she hated to ask for anything.  Especially from me.  She didn’t want me to think she was taking advantage.  Didn’t she understand that I would have moved heaven and earth for her?  Hell, she didn’t even have to ask.  Even when I offered, she always had some sort of reason.  But in my dream, there she was.  Right there in front of me, singing and dancing and smiling, and right then, I’d never been as happy to on tour as I was that night.  There were only a couple shows left at the Garden, and that’s like home, but there in the Park?  It was magical. 

I have to admit, no matter where Jen was at the Park that day, the crowd was huge and energized, and I have never felt so much love from so many at once.  People of all ages were singing along and getting along, and it was just fucking amazing.  THIS is why it’s still a rush after all this time.  You do your shows and maybe get one or two where the energy is just so THERE.   That’s why I know the music will come back.  It’s part of me.  Dr. Santa says I just have to get things sorted out in my heart and the magic will happen again.  Sounds kinda fucking fruity to me, but I admit, he hasn’t been wrong yet.

So anyway, in my dream?  I stepped up to sing my solo while Jon went to take a leak, and Jen just gave me the ‘come and get me’ look and then she reached for me, and all of a sudden she was in my arms and we were backstage, and she felt so good pressed against me.  She kissed me like there was no tomorrow, and I swear I tasted her – strawberries and vanilla all mixed together.  She pushed away from me a little to look in my eyes and told me she loved me.  “I love you so much, baby,” she said, in that soft purr she had.  That voice that always gave me a raging hard-on, because I knew it meant she was wet for me.

When kissing her wasn’t enough, I filled my hands with her breasts, and pushed at her clothes and suddenly we were naked.  Shit, I love dreams like that.  I have no idea where we were, but she was riding me like a wild woman.  I woke up groaning with my cock in my hand and had to finish (shut up, Asshole) and when I drifted back to sleep, desperate to get back to Jen, she was sitting on a fancy chair, all primly dressed. 

“You know I loved you,” she said to me. 

I told her I love her too and she says, no, not love, but loved, with a ‘d’.  She looks right at me and says, “I’m gone, and hiding yourself away won’t make me come back, no matter how much I want to.”

I know that it’s just my mind pulling this stuff out of my psyche or my id or whatever the hell, but damn, it was so real.  I woke up right after that, sitting straight up, and I could still smell her.  Maybe she’s haunting me?

That would be so something she would do.  In a loving way, of course.

I feel a little pervy and a bit dumb writing all this down, but nobody ever has to see it, and I want to make sure I don’t forget.